Daria's Slapshot
by Peter W. Guerin
Summary: Daria's roped into playing for Lawndale High's field hockey team.


DARIA'S SLAPSHOT A Daria Fan Fiction Story (Part of the Daria: the OAV's Series) by Peter W. Guerin (The official O'Neill/Barch shipper of the 2000 Summer Olympics) ================================================================ 

With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis and Mike Judge. 

================================================================ 

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER 

None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: the OAV's" series, this story takes place after the events of "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". 

All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are © 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. 

================================================================ 

A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT 

================================================================ 

Endnotes to this document appear in parenthetical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriate endnote number in the "Endnotes" section of this document. 

================================================================ 

AUTHOR'S DEDICATION 

================================================================ 

This fan fiction story is respectfully dedicated to Kristin Graziani (1969-1996), one of the few friends I had back when I was going to Connetquot High School [Bohemia, NY], and who in large part served as the inspiration for Raye Halstead. 

"But they ain't here anymore/Don't have to settle the score/Cause we all live/Under the reign of one King." 

--Creed, "What's This Life For?" 

================================================================ ACT 1 (Place your ad here!) 

================================================================ 

(A shot of the Hanson brothers from the film "Slapshot" can be seen, below which is the caption "THIS FAN FIC IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED TO THE HANSON BROTHERS." We now cut to the usual Daria opening sequence. "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption "in: 'Daria's Slapshot'" in black "Daria" script.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: Daria Morgendorffer's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 6:59 AM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria asleep here, wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts. As the clock turns to 7:00 AM, the alarm sounds. Daria, her eyes still shut, fumbles around and turns off the alarm.) 

Daria: (Still half-asleep.) Well, at least I didn't die in my sleep. Then again, I do have to start a new year at school, though. 

(Daria drags herself out of bed. Cut to her going down the hallway to the bathroom, as the opening guitar riffs from "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind begin to play. Daria enters the bathroom and brushes her teeth. There's a knock at the door.) 

Daria: Enter at your own risk. 

(Quinn, Daria's sister, now enters, wearing her yellow bunny rabbit nightshirt.) 

Quinn: Don't mind me, Daria; just have to brush my teeth. (She picks up her own toothbrush and begins to brush her own teeth. Daria spits out the toothpaste from her mouth.) 

Daria: If you don't mind, I'm going to take a shower now. (She proceeds to take off her T-shirt, but the camera cuts away to Quinn before we see her take it all off.) 

Quinn: Like, why didn't you tell me this before? I'll finish brushing my teeth in the downstairs bathroom, then. (She leaves. Cut to a head-and-shoulders shot of Daria, as she's stepping into the shower.) 

Daria: It isn't like her seeing my body was going to turn her into stone. (She draws the curtains behind her.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: The Morgendorffer's kitchen, 7:20 AM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(We now see Jake and Helen, Daria and Quinn's parents, here at the table. They're having pancakes for breakfast. Also here is Molly Andrews, who is living here as a foster child. [1] Jake and Helen are in their usual clothes. We now see Daria and Quinn enter. Daria's in her usual outfit of green field jacket, brown T-shirt, black pleated knee-length skirt and those black Doc Martens boots, while Quinn is wearing her dopey pink smiley-face T-shirt and jeans, along with a red beret.) 

Helen: Good morning, girls! Looking forward to the new school year? 

Quinn: You bet, Mom! I heard this beret is going to be hot this fall, so I picked it up at Cashman's during their Labor Day Sale. 

Daria: Better be careful, Quinn; Ms. Li will think you're with some Trenchcoat Mafia outfit and confiscate it. 

(Molly smirks a Mona Lisa smile.) 

Quinn: Like, YOUR outfit doesn't give anyone the creeps, Daria? 

Jake: (Now noticing the beret.) You know, that beret reminds me of the one I used to wear at military school--(Now getting angry.) THE SAME MILITARY SCHOOL MY DAD SHIPPED ME OFF TO BECAUSE HE HATED MY GUTS!!!!!!!!!! (Slams his fist onto the table.) 

Helen: Uh, Jake, why don't you go to work now? It's less stressful. 

Jake: (Calming down.) Uh, yeah, right. Bye, Helen. (Kisses her.) Bye Quinn. (Kisses her.) Bye, kiddo! (Kisses her, causing Daria to flinch a bit.) Bye, Molly! (Kisses her, and she flinches.) Have a nice day, everyone! (Leaves.) 

Daria: Mom, did you let Dad's Prozac prescription lapse again? 

Helen: Now, girls, I think you should be going to school now. By the way, Eric's taking a very important client to Chez Pierre tonight, and I have to be there. Therefore, there's some microwavable dinners in the freezer. Got to go now. Bye! (She leaves.) 

(Daria and Quinn just stare at each other for a second; Molly looks on in interest.) 

Quinn: (Finally breaking the silence.) Is it me, Daria, or are our parents so weird? 

Daria: It took you fifteen and a half years for you to figure that out? (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin.) 

Quinn: Well, I guess we'd better be going to school now. 

Daria: Hey, don't forget I've now got a car. (2) 

Quinn: (Shrieking.) NO! Anything but that monstrosity! 

Daria: Feel like chipping in for me to get a Lexus like Dad has, then? 

(Quinn's silenced by that remark. Molly smirks again. Cut to the garage, as Daria opens the door. We see Daria's car: a vintage 1969 VW Beetle, painted orange. Molly opens the garage door as Quinn gets into the back and Daria gets into the driver's seat. Daria now gets into the VW and starts it.) 

Daria: Think about it, Quinn, in about a few months, I'll be teaching you to drive. 

Quinn: At least Mom won't hound me to switch to contacts! 

Daria: Any more mention of contacts will result in the death penalty around here. 

(Quinn's silenced again by this. Daria begins to pull out of the garage.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: Lane Residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 7:30 AM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria's car pulls up to the driveway. Jane Lane, Daria's best friend, steps out of the house and goes to the car.) 

Jane: (As she steps in.) Yo! 

Daria: Thanks for letting me drive you to school on the first day, Jane. 

Jane: Just remember we're on an alternating schedule. Tom's going to be picking me up every other day. 

(Daria scowls a bit at this.) 

Daria: I just have to drop Molly off at Cherry Avenue Elementary School first, then we'll head for Lawndale High. 

Jane: Roger, Wilco and out, kemosabe. 

(Daria pulls away from the driveway.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: The hallways of Lawndale High School, 7:45 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Evenflow" by Pearl Jam. 

================================================================ 

(We open the scene with a panoramic shot of the hallway. We see all the familiar faces here, including: Student Government Vice President Jodie Landon, football captain Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, star quarterback Kevin Thompson, head cheerleader and Fashion Club Secretary/Treasurer Brittany Taylor, Fashion Club President Candy Kaine, former Fashion Club member Stacy Rowe, Fashion Club Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Goth girl Andrea Hecuba, geeky nerd Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III, and Lawndale Lowdown Fashion Reporter Sandi Griffin. We focus in on Sandi now, who's walking down the hallway, minding her own business, when she's sideswiped by someone on a skateboard. Sandi falls down, gets up and finds the skateboarder.) 

Sandi: Like, watch where you're going or something! 

(Suddenly, Sandi's jaw drops. We cut to the person she's talking to. She looks a lot like Joanna, the skateboarder in The Unknown's fan fics, who bears a striking resemblance to Sandi.) 

Skateboarding Girl: Like, why don't YOU look where YOU'RE going! (She gets up and skates away.) 

(Sandi looks on in disbelief, then rubs her eyes. Candy and the rest of the Fashion Club approach.) 

Candy: Hey, Sandi, cat got your tongue or something? 

Sandi: Like, keep Fluffy out of this! (She storms out.) 

Tiffany: Like, what's eating her? It's like she saw her own doppleganger or something. 

Quinn: Well, one can only hope it won't affect her abilities as our club's official reporter for the school newspaper! 

Candy: One can only hope, Quinn. 

(Fast cut to Daria and Jane, walking down the hallway. Suddenly, the PA system squawks to life, as Angela Li, the principal, prepares to make an announcement.) 

Li: Goooooood morning, students! And wellllllcome to a brand new year at Laaaaawndaaaaaale High! For all you new students, I'm Ms. Li, your principal. Just to remind you, we still have some openings for fall sports for those who didn't make it to summer tryouts. Openings in football, track and field, field hockey and soccer are still available! Please contact Coach Gibson, Coach Petersen, Coach Donahue or Coach Rotella, respectively, for details! 

Daria: Well, at least after you won your bet with Ms. Morris about whether you would win the Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run, we're all set for the year as far as gym class is concerned. (3) 

Jane: Yep, we sure are. (Smirks evilly.) 

(Daria now goes to her locker, opens it, gets out a rubber ball and a collapsible broom from her backpack, and begins to place these into the locker.) 

Jane: What's with those? 

Daria: Oh, the rubber ball I'm going to use to kill time during lunch. I'll bounce it against the wall. Mr. DeMartino's room is on the opposite side of the wall; he'll be driven bonkers with the bouncing noise. (Smirks again.) 

Jane: What about the broom? 

Daria: I'll use that to whack Upchuck if he gets fresh with me. 

(And, speak of the Devil, Upchuck approaches.) 

Upchuck: (To Daria.) Ahh, the woman of my dreams! Willing to take a chance with me this year? 

Daria: Jane, step aside. 

(Jane dutifully does so. Daria sets the rubber ball on the floor, whacks it with the broom, and sends it crashing into Upchuck's testicles, causing him to drop to the floor, clutching his groin.) 

Upchuck: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! (Pauses.) Feisty! ROWR! 

(Janet Barch, the science teacher, now approaches Upchuck.) 

Barch: You'll never learn, will you, you man! 

(Cut to Daria and Jane, who smirk to each other. Slow pan to the right as we see someone who's been observing all this. He's about in his mid-40's with black hair, blue eyes, and a mustache. He's wearing a blue jogging suit.) 

Man: Hmmmmm, she just might be the person we need on the team. I'll speak to her during her lunch period. 

(Cut back to Daria and Jane, who walk past Upchuck. They now see someone else approach them. She's a girl about Daria's age, with black hair and green eyes. She's wearing glasses, a white collared shirt, a brown business suit and brown heels. She walks into Daria, who tumbles.) 

Daria: Excuse me, you were in my way. 

Girl: No, you were in my way, sister. 

Daria: (To Jane.) Man, does she have an attitude or what? 

Girl: The name's Collette Farnsworth, and don't you forget it. (She walks away.) 

Jane: Man, she makes Andrea look sociable by comparison. 

Daria: Hope we don't get to run into her anytime soon. 

(The bell rings, signifying that it's almost time for homeroom.) 

Jane: Better get into homeroom, Daria. 

(They go.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: The classroom of social studies teacher Anthony DeMartino at LHS, 7:50 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. 

================================================================ 

(We see Kevin, Brittany, Mack, Jodie, Andrea, etc. in here, as well as Collette. Mr. DeMartino is at the front. Daria and Jane enter the room and take their seats. Jane looks and sees that Collette is here.) 

Jane: Don't look now, but that back-stabbing bitch we met earlier is here. 

Daria: (Groaning.) Terrific. 

DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) HelLO, you paTHEtic moRONS! And WELcome to another YEAR at LAWNdale HIGH!!!!!!!!!! When I CALL your NAME when I GET to your atTENdance card, please reSPOND by saying "HERE"!!!!!!!!!! (He picks up the cards, and Daria's is first.) DaRIA MORgenDORFfer! 

Daria: Here physically, not here mentally or spiritually. 

Collette: Yo, why not show some respect for the teacher? 

Daria: (Turning around to confront Collette.) He's used to it; it's not like I whipped out a gun and shot him. 

(Collette closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead in defeat.) 

Jane: Snappy comeback there, kemosabe. 

Daria: Well, except for that Baldwin guy I confronted once, I usually mercilessly destroy my targets. (4) 

(Collette just sits there, fuming, while Daria and Jane smirk evilly.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: The cafeteria at LHS, 11:30 AM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria and Jane are eating their lunch, when the man in the blue sweatsuit approaches Daria.) 

Man: Excuse me, ma'am. 

Daria : (Turning around to see the man.) You'll have to consult my secretary here (Pointing to Jane.) and make an appointment; I'm booked solid today. 

(The man laughs; apparently he finds Daria amusing.) 

Man: Good one there-- 

Daria: Daria. Daria Morgendorffer. 

Man: Let me introduce myself. (He extends his hand to Daria.) I'm Walter Donahue, girls' field hockey coach here at Lawndale High. (Daria shakes Donahue's hand.) 

Donahue: I couldn't help but notice what happened earlier in the hallway, Daria. That was one perfectly executed shot there. 

Daria: Well, with Upchuck, it has to be perfect, or he won't get the point. 

Donahue: I know I shouldn't judge a person by that kind of action, but I think you have potential as a member of our field hockey team. 

Daria: OK, mister, did Jodie Landon set you up to this? 

Donahue: No. 

Daria: OK, then my parents? Or Ms. Li? Or Mr. O'Neill? 

Donahue: No on all counts. 

Jane: Well, don't look at me, Daria; I'd never rope you into something like that. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Listen, Mr. Donahue. . . 

Donahue: Please, it's "Wally". All the girls on the team call me that--at least when Ms. Li isn't within earshot of me. 

Daria: OK, Wally, let's just get something straight here. I'm not into sports, especially ones where girls prance around in tartan miniskirts so all those horny guys out there can get their leg fetishes satisfied. I'm just surprised that the Mystery Girl Patter who's been featured on "Sick, Sad World" recently hasn't been attacking anyone at field hockey games. 

Jane: And don't try to recruit me, either; in case you didn't notice, I had a bad experience when I was with the track team. By the way, my name's Jane Lane, artiste extraordinare and pizza fiend. And don't you dare give me any evil paint-by-number kits; I'll just stick them under my bed. 

Donahue: Well, I know you have your doubts, Daria and Jane, but I can assure you that nothing like what happened to Jane will happen to Daria if she joins the team. Also, you will be able to take all your tests as well. Unlike some coaches here--who will remain nameless--I won't allow my players to get free rides academically by letting them skip their tests. 

Jane: Any chance you can take over Coach Gibson's job and have Kevin flunked from the team? (Smirks evilly.) 

Donahue: Daria, it won't hurt to just try out for the team. Besides, field hockey isn't that popular a sport; it doesn't get too much attention here at Lawndale. Also, I think you may be the person we need to finally knock off Havenhurst in the State Championships. 

Jane: Yeah, Havenhurst's been winning it in Class A five years running. (5) I hear they play dirty, and there's been rumors that they've been using steroids or some other banned substances. However, no one's been able to prove it. 

Daria: Maybe they do what the Soviets used to do: Pass men in drag for women. 

Donahue: Well, Daria, in other parts of the world, field hockey is a men's sport as well as a women's sport. It's recognized as an Olympic sport for both sexes. India fields one of the best teams in the men's sport. 

Daria: Then how come there aren't any boys' field hockey teams here in this nation? 

Donahue: Well, field hockey does have a perception here in the U. S. as just being a "girls' game", but slowly there are some schools out there who are organizing boys' as well as girls' teams. 

Jane: I think he's got you on all counts there, Daria. 

Daria: (Sighs.) OK, I'll bite. 

Donahue: Good for you, Daria. We're going to hold tryouts this afternoon at three. I'll brief everyone on the basic rules of the game and determine who will play where. See you then, Daria. (He leaves.) 

Daria: Jane, don't tell me I just did what I did and agreed to join the field hockey team. 

Jane: You did. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Jane, you have every right not to give your support to me during this; after all, I wasn't too supportive of you when you were on the track team. 

Jane: Hey, all is forgiven on that. I'm with you all the way, kemosabe. However, I will reserve the right to tell everyone that you break wind if you do start acting pompous. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Are you fixing to die today, Jane Coyote Lane? (6) 

Jane: While I'm still alive, I think I'll go to the ladies' room and freshen up my lipstick. (She goes.) 

(Daria just scowls.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 7: The athletic field at LHS, 3:00 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening piano notes to "Caught a Light Sneeze" by Tori Amos. 

================================================================ 

(We see that there are some girls out on the field now, practicing some moves. They're all dressed in the Lawndale High field hockey uniform, which consists to a blue T-shirt with yellow stripes down the shoulders; over the left breast are the initials "LHS" and a number, all in yellow. The skirt is blue with a yellow tartan, with blue socks. We can see that shin guards are noticeable beneath the socks. Jane is hanging out near the doors of the gym, when Daria steps out wearing her outfit. She has the number "13" below "LHS" on her shirt. She's wielding a field hockey stick, a long wooden stick that curves at the end. We also notice that she's wearing athletic goggles over her glasses.) 

Jane: Say, Daria, you look cute in that uniform! 

Daria: (Raising the field hockey stick menacingly at Jane.) You are really fixing to die today, Lane! 

Jane: Can I help it if I have a death wish? (Smirks evilly.) Oh, by the way, when I do die, could you perhaps cremate me and scatter my ashes somewhere in the Adirondack Park in Upstate New York? I always wanted some part of me to live on after I go. (7) (Smirks really evilly this time!) 

(Sighing, Daria trots out onto the field. Donahue notices her.) 

Donahue: Hey, Daria, thanks for showing up! (He blows the whistle.) OK, everyone, let's gather around. 

(All the other girls gather, including the goalies, who wear blue shorts instead of skirts, and also wear the wire-mesh goalie mask preferred by ice hockey goalies these days, along with leg pads and leather mitt-like gloves. The goalies remove their masks.) 

Donahue: Thanks. Welcome to the field hockey team. We've just got enough people to fill out our twenty-five member team roster. I notice a lot of you ladies are back for another season, but we've also got some new members here as well. For these new members, I'll just give a brief summary of what the game entails. Field hockey is like ice hockey in a lot of ways, but it also combines elements of soccer and American rules football. Like in hockey, certain fouls will be penalized, but instead of sitting in a penalty box as in ice hockey, the opposing team gets a penalty shot from either the corner or in front of the goalie as in soccer. And, as in soccer and American rules football, there are eleven players to a team instead of six: a left and right wing; a left and right inner; a center; a left, center and right halfback; a left and right fullback; and a goalie. As in ice hockey, you are to put the puck--or in this case, the ball--into the net. We're going to play a practice scrimmage and see how well you can play. I'll let some of you returning players show the newer ones the ropes. (He now grabs a box full of red A-shirts.) I'll choose each team. The "home" team will wear their regular uniforms while the "visitors" will slip these red A-shirts over their uniforms. Let's see, for the home team. . . 

(Fast cut to a few minutes later. Daria's on the "home" team. Jane's in the stands. Daria's facing a girl about her height, with short blonde hair in a bob cut and green eyes. Daria and her opponent tap their sticks three times, then Daria whacks the ball to start the scrimmage. Fast cut to Jane in the stands.) 

Jane: Go, go, go kick butt! (She smirks evilly.) 

(The "home" team advances the ball down the field with their sticks. Another player, a tall, statuesque girl of Japanese-American extraction with long, raven black hair, brown eyes and wearing a blue bandanna hits the ball to Daria, who then advances the ball toward the goal. Daria takes a whack at the ball, which is stopped by the goaltender. Donahue blows the whistle.) 

Donahue: Good, very good. (To Daria.) You almost scored your first goal there, Daria. 

(Daria lets herself let out part of that famous Mona Lisa smirk of hers, while we cut to Jane, who gives an approving "thumbs up".) 

Donahue: OK, let's continue, ladies. You're all looking good. 

(Cut to a few minutes later. The opening drum beats, guitar riffs and "HEEEEY!" from "Rock and Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter can be heard. Daria moves the ball down the field again; this time she scores. Daria looks in disbelief for a few seconds, then cracks another Mona Lisa smirk. Some time later, one of the "away" team players advances the ball toward the "home" team half of the field. Daria clears the ball away. Some time later, Daria takes a corner shot, which goes into the goal. Daria smirks yet again. As the sun sets, Donahue blows the whistle.) 

Donahue: Great practice, ladies. Hit the showers, and I'll see you all here on Friday. Our first game will be this Saturday against Oakwood. Take care. 

(The girls begin to file off the field. Jane catches up with Daria.) 

Jane: Say, you weren't bad out there. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: I guess I wasn't. (Smirks herself now.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 8: The Morgendorffer residence, 5:45 PM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria's VW pulling up to the driveway. Daria and Jane get out of it and enter the house. Jake is seen reading the paper in the living room. He now puts the paper down.) 

Jake: Hey, kiddo, we were worried. 

Daria: Sorry, Dad, but I got roped into playing for the field hockey team in school. 

Jane: And this time, it wasn't Jodie Landon's doing. 

Jake: Man, I wonder why I don't get along with her dad. . . 

Jane: And you wonder why Helen keeps yelling at him for being oblivious. (She and Daria both smirk evilly.) 

(And, speak of the Devil, Helen enters.) 

Helen: Daria, your lasagna's getting cold. Where were you? 

Jake: Our kiddo's joined the field hockey team, honey. 

Helen: Oh, great! 

(Daria now scowls.) 

Daria: Do you have a cyanide suicide pill handy? 

Jane: Nah, my religion forbids suicide. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: I hate you. 

Jane: I aim to please. (Smirks evilly yet again!) 

Helen: I'm glad to see you've finally joined a team, Daria. 

Daria: That is, if you consider dressing up as either a cheerleader from Hell or that Fat Bastard from "Austin Powers" and prancing around a field chasing a ball with a stick as a sport. 

Helen: But it'll mean something on your school transcript when you apply to colleges, Daria. You can get scholarships for playing sports. 

Daria: Then, after college, what? There's no professional field hockey league in the U. S. 

Helen: (Dismissing the remark with a wave of her hand.) You should give yourself a lot more credit than you're willing to admit, Daria. Anyway, now that you're active in sports. . . 

Daria: Mom, for the last time, I am not switching to contacts. Besides, they let me wear athletic goggles. 

Helen: Now, Daria, I was not going to bring up the contacts. I was going to suggest getting a pair of athletic glasses. They look like goggles but the lenses are matched to your prescription. (Trying to put her best lawyerly spin on this.) Besides, you'll only have to wear them for practice and for games. 

Jane: Hey, at least she'll let you wear the regular glasses the rest of the time. (Smirks evilly. Daria scowls.) 

Helen: So, let's see you in your uniform. 

Daria: Well, I should wash it up first. . . 

Helen: Come on, Daria, we're your family. Let's see it. 

(Daria sighs.) 

Daria: OK, but give me a few minutes. 

Helen: OK, sweetie. 

(Daria dashes up the stairs. Cut to Helen. The doorbell now rings.) 

Helen: Jane, could you get the door? 

Jane: Sure, Helen. (8) (She gets the door, and she sees that her brother Trent is here, along with her boyfriend Tom Smith [9].) 

Tom: Hey, Jane! What's up? 

Jane: Oh, I'm fine. What are you doing here? 

Trent: The Tank broke down again, so Tom decided to give us a lift back home. The Tank's at Jesse's father's garage. (10) Besides, after that, Tom wanted to take you out to dinner. 

(Jane blushes a bit.) 

Tom: So, this is your friend Daria's house? 

Jane: Yep, the Black Hole of Lawndale itself. 

(Tom and Trent step in. Quinn now comes downstairs, wearing the outfit she wore when she dumped Corey in "Quinn the Brain".) 

Quinn: Mom, Dad, Jamie's going to be here any minute for my date! (Notices Trent and Tom. She goes to Tom.) Say, you're cute, you know that? I'm Quinn Morgendorffer-- 

Trent: Daria's sister. 

Quinn: (Scowling.) Like I have to be reminded about that from you! 

Jane: Don't feel too bad about that, Tom. Until last year she was telling everyone that Daria was her cousin. (11) 

(Tom laughs.) 

Quinn: You know, if you're available some time. . . 

Tom: Sorry, but I've been taken. (He puts his arm around Jane's shoulders. She smirks dreamily.) 

Quinn: (Stammering.) You're going out with her? EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! 

(Molly now enters.) 

Molly: Shot down again, Quinn? (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin.) 

Jane: Oh, by the way, that's Molly Andrews; Daria's folks took her in after her father abused her. 

(The five of them now walk toward the living room. Jake notices them.) 

Jake: Hey, kids? What's up? 

Jane: Tom, that's Daria's father, Jake. 

Jake: (Extending his hand.) Nice to meet you, Tom. Say, you're that boy Daria said was going out with Jane, right? 

Tom: Guilty as charged. (Smiles.) 

Jake: Don't forget, I run one Hell of a consulting firm. (He hands a card to Tom.) 

Tom: I'll keep it in mind. 

Helen: Jake, I'm just lucky Eric scheduled that dinner for seven instead of six. I've got to get ready now. 

Jane: And, that, Tom, is the family ambulance chaser, Helen. 

Tom: Nice meeting you, ma'am. 

Helen: Who are you? 

Tom: Tom Smith. I'm Jane's boyfriend. 

Helen: Boyfriend? Now, I hope you two haven't. . . 

Jane: I ain't saying a word. (Smirks evilly.) 

Quinn: You mean, you may or may not have had sex? 

Jane: Bring that up again and you might have to die. (Smirks evilly.) 

(We can now hear footsteps coming down the stairs.) 

Helen: Oh, that must be Daria in her field hockey uniform. 

(Daria now approaches.) 

Daria: Well. . .(She now notices that Trent, Quinn and Tom are all here as well), OH, GOD!!!!!!!!!! 

Trent: Hey, Daria, you look cute in that. 

Quinn: For once, I have to agree with him, Daria. You look so cute! And did anyone tell you that you have cute legs? They'll be even cuter once you use wax like I do instead of shaving them. 

Tom: Say, you look nice there, Daria. 

Jane: Yeah, doesn't she? (Smirks evilly.) 

Molly: Yeah. (Smirks herself.) 

Jake: Yeah, you'll certainly turn heads out there on the field, kiddo. 

Helen: Yes, you look real nice in that, Daria. 

(Cut to Daria, who is obviously blushing in embarrassment.) 

Daria: (Thought voice-over.) I want to die right now, God! 

(We can hear that jeering, teasing version of "La-la-LA-la-la!" as we see a widescreen shot of Daria hitting the rubber ball with the broom into Upchuck's testicles in slow motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 

================================================================ 

(We see Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party, dressed in an SS uniform, sitting behind a desk with the Nazi flag behind him.) 

Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! I am hereby declaring war against New York State for taking all my tax money and giving it to all those welfare-cheating minorities Downstate! I've sued the State constantly the past twenty years, and those Commie Downstate judges keep throwing my suits out, calling them "frivolous"! I ran for Governor in 1994 after Howard Stern turned down the nomination and lost to Pataki! My efforts to hold a Constitutional Convention controlled by me--er, my party--were defeated in 1997! Well, NO MORE MR. NICE FÜHRER!!!!!!!!!! I've put a $1 million bounty on Governor George Pataki, State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver, State Senate Majority Leader Joe Bruno, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, New York City Public Advocate Mark Green and New York City Council Speaker Peter Vallone for their capture--DEAD OR ALIVE!!!!!!!!!! If caught dead, I won't be weeping. If caught alive, they will be tried in my--er, our--common law court! So, stock up on the canned goods, horde up your money, and hide out in your basements (which you should do anyway, since the Y2K Bug will mean the end of the world), and if any welfare-cheating nigger or spic tries to take away your canned food and/or money horde, SHOOT HIS FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!! (Stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) ZEIG HEIL!!!!!!!!!! ZEIG HEIL!!!!!!!!!! ZEIG HEIL!!!!!!!!!! 

Announcer: This message paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate Taxpayers' Coalition, a/k/a The I, Brad Schlitz Rubber-Stamp Politburo and Reichstag, a/k/a Angry White Males for a Right-Wing Dictatorship that Will Claim to Follow the Constitution but Instead will Follow Everything Hitler Wrote About in "Mein Kampf". This station does not endorse anything expressed in this message. 

(Another commercial.) 

Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's another all-anime card! First, it's a tag team match as the Dirty Pair take on Lina Inverse from "The Slayers" and All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku-Nuku! 

(We see Kei and Yuri, the Dirty Pair, battle Lina and Nuku-Nuku!) 

Kei: (To Lina.) Hold still, you little vixen! (She fires her gun at Lina; Lina, however, ducks out of the way, and Kei wipes out the whole front row.) 

Nuku-Nuku: Oh, that is so typical of you two! LET'S GO, SO-CHAN!!!!!!!!! (She activates the So-Chan Armor, picks up Yuri and tosses her out of the ring.) 

Announcer: Next, it's a battle royal between two of anime's baddest bad guys, Vegita from "Dragon Ball Z" and Bison from "Street Fighter"! 

(We see Vegita and Bison fighting.) 

Vegita: I've taken on creeps much stronger than you and won! (He shoots a powerful blast at Bison.) 

Bison: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (He shoots a blast at Vegita himself, knocking him out of the ring.) 

Announcer: Finally, it's the Fist of the North Star himself, Kenshiro, taking on Violence Jack! 

(We see Kenshiro and Violence Jack fighting. Kenshiro does his famous attack where the victim blows up ten seconds after Kenshiro beats him up. Ten seconds pass, but Violence Jack is still standing.) 

Kenshiro: Huh? How come you didn't blow up? 

Violence Jack: I wore a clean pair of underwear today! (He proceeds to beat the shit out of Kenshiro). 

Announcer: That's all happening on another all-anime edition of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! 

================================================================ 

ACT 2 (This space for rent. Call 1-877-MARK-ZERO for details!) 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: Back at the living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 6:00 PM Wednesday. 

================================================================ 

(The scene is immediately after the end of Act 1. Daria is still blushing in embarrassment since everyone thinks she looks cute in her field hockey uniform.) 

Jane: What's the matter, Daria; put on the spot again? (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: You are all going to die today. 

(We now see that the rest of Mystik Spiral has entered the house, including rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer Max Tyler.) 

Jesse: Hey, Trent, how long you're gonna yak with these people? We've got a concert to gig at! (He now notices Daria.) Hey, Daria, you look cool in that. 

Daria: OK, that's it, I've been embarrassed enough. (She runs upstairs.) 

Jesse: Was it something I said? 

Max: Guess so, dude. Trent's always saying Daria's the sensitive type. 

Jane: (Surprised.) When did you say that, Trent? 

Nicholas: Well, he kinda said that one day when we were jamming at my place. 

Trent: Well, Janey, Daria does get embarrassed quite a bit. I remember seeing her blush when I said she looked good when she was trying those contacts. 

Jane: (In despair.) Oh, boy! (She now runs upstairs herself. She goes to Daria's door and knocks on it.) 

Daria: (From the other side of the door.) You can't pull the talking toilet schtick in here, Jane. 

Jane: No, but your door is now talking to me! 

(The door opens, and Daria's now in her regular clothes.) 

Daria: All right, speak your piece then leave. The Misery Chick wants to brood right now. 

Jane: Daria, I take it you don't like people saying you're cute. 

Daria: That's because being cute means you're an airhead like Quinn. 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, give Quinn some credit. She's changed somewhat since Sandi beat you with that baseball bat! (12) (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: (Sighs.) Oh, all right, I guess you have a point. I just don't want people judging me by my looks or what activities I engage in. Besides, need I remind you the disasters when I was on the marching band at Lawndale Days, the debate team and the picnic with Jodie's family? (13) 

Jane: Duly noted. 

Daria: And I wasn't too supportive of you when you were on the track team. 

Jane: Hey, at least I know success won't spoil you. You wouldn't let sports swell that ego of yours--whatever ego you have, that is. (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Gee, thanks, Jane, I think. 

Jane: C'mon, Daria, this may be fun. Besides, field hockey tends to be the least popular sport in school, and I bet there's a lot of girls like you on the team. You'll fit right in. Of course, if all else fails, I could use some company on my morning runs. (Smirks evilly again.) 

(There's a knock on the door. It's Quinn, with that girl with the raven black hair and brown eyes who was on Daria's team at practice; she's now wearing a chartreuse blouse and a matching chartreuse ankle-length skirt with chartreuse stockings and chartreuse high heels; she's also smartly dressed in a chartreuse beret.) 

Quinn: Daria, this girl wanted to talk to you. She said it was important. 

Daria: (Feeling like she can use a boost to her spirits right now at Quinn's expense.) Sure thing, cuz. 

Quinn: (Shrieking.) FOR THE LAST TIME, DARIA, I ACCEPT YOU AS A SISTER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!! (she leaves.) 

Raven-haired Girl: What was that all about? 

Daria: Inside joke. You wouldn't get it. 

(The raven-haired girl laughs a bit at this.) 

Jane: Gee, I wonder what she thinks is so funny? 

Raven-haired Girl: Daria, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Raye Halstead. I'm the captain of the team and a senior. 

Daria: (Shaking Raye's hand.) Nice to meet you, Raye. 

Raye: You know, you were pretty good out there. 

Daria: Gee, thanks. (Takes a good look at her.) You know, you remind me of someone. 

Raye: Really? Who? 

Daria: (Noticing that perhaps it would be a bit embarrassing.) Well, it isn't important. 

Raye: C'mon, try me. 

Daria: (Sighs.) Well, you remind me of my older sister. 

Raye: I do? 

Daria: Well, I never met her. She died before I was born. (14) But somehow if she was still alive, she'd look like you. 

Raye: You think so? 

Daria: Well, maybe. 

Raye: Daria, Wally sent me over to talk to you. He figured you may still have your doubts about whether this is going to work out for you. 

Daria: Well, you can't exactly blame him for thinking that. 

Raye: Daria, what's important is that you're on the team, and we could use someone like you, especially if we go up against Havenhurst for the championship again. 

Daria: Then again, I have a hang-up about dying at the hands of merciless muscle-bound field hockey players. 

Raye: Daria, don't let goons like the ones at Havenhurst intimidate you. I've had my share of bruises from them myself. (She pulls up her skirt and then pulls down the stocking on her left leg to reveal a scar from just below the knee to mid-calf on the left side of it.) Last year, one of them jerked me to the ground, and I scraped my leg up pretty good on a sharp object on the goalpost. The doctor said if it had been a major artery there, I wouldn't be alive now. 

(Daria looks on in a state of semi-shock. Jane looks curiously herself.) 

Daria: And I bet they wouldn't give a damn if you bled to death. 

Raye: Exactly. 

Jane: Say, for someone who's pretty sharp, you dress pretty sharply as well. Who's your parents? 

Raye: My father's an investment banker while my mother runs her own Internet service provider company. Oh, yeah, I also have a kid sister named Lara. She's into extreme sports. Funny, today she mentioned to me she ran into someone who looked like her. Said she sounded a bit stuck-up. 

Jane: Anyone we know, Daria? (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: I plead the Fifth. 

(Raye now fixes herself up again.) 

Jane: So, if your parents are so well off, how come you're taking your chances with the public education system? 

Raye: Well, my father did check out that Grove Hills place, but he figured it wouldn't fit me well. 

Daria: (Recalling her experiences from "Gifted".) Amen to that. 

Raye: Listen, Daria, give this a chance. I'll watch your back out there. You'll do good out there. Trust me. 

Daria: With a pitch like that, how could I resist? (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile.) 

Raye: Good. Anyway, I told my boyfriend Jamal I'd meet him here. 

Daria: Jamal? 

Raye: Jamal Sharif. He lives next door to me. 

(The doorbell rings. Pause for a few seconds.) 

Helen: (Off-camera.) Daria, could you tell Raye that her boyfriend Jamal is here? 

Daria: Well, he's here. 

(Fast cut to the living room, as we see Jamal in the doorway. Jamal is of Arabic extraction with black hair and brown eyes. He's wearing a gray muscle shirt and jeans. Cut to Daria, Jane and Raye descending the stairs.) 

Jamal: Hey, Raye! What's up? 

(Raye kisses Jamal.) 

Raye: OK. Jamal, these two are Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. Daria's on the field hockey team with me. 

Jamal: Nice to meet you, ladies. (He extends his hand to Daria, who shakes it, followed by Jane.) 

Jane: (To Daria.) Man, he makes Tom look like the "Blue Light Special" at K-Mart. 

Daria: In that case, can I have him? 

Jane: Not on your life, Daria! You've got Trent, remember? (Smirks evilly.) 

Daria: Keep this up and you will be cremated and scattered all over the Adirondack Park soon--real soon. 

Raye: Anyway, got to go now, Daria, Jane. Take care, and I'll see you at practice Friday, OK? 

Daria: Sure. 

Raye: Night. (She goes with Jamal.) 

Jane: Man, for a jock, Raye's pretty sharp. 

Daria: She's like Brittany with my brains. 

Jane: Hey, don't insult Brittany like that. (Smirks evilly.) 

(Daria just shrugs her shoulders.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: Lawndale Medical Arts Center, 5:30 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar notes to "Open Letter to a Landlord" by Living Colour. 

================================================================ 

(Daria's at the optometrist's office again. She's undergoing another examination with that device they use when you read the chart. The doctor removes the device.) 

Doctor: Sorry things didn't work out with the contacts, Daria. 

Daria: (Putting her glasses back on.) That's OK; I just run over the dogs now and don't give a damn. 

Doctor: (Puzzled by that last remark.) Uh, well, you check out OK. We don't have to make any changes. Anyway, since we can make these up right here, we'll have these ready for you in an hour. If you just wait outside, we'll call you when they're all set. 

Daria: (Deciding to give a parting shot as she leaves.) What, no last minute call from the governor? 

(The doctor just rolls his eyes in disbelief. Daria now enters the waiting room, where Helen, Jake, Quinn and Molly are waiting for her.) 

Helen: So, when will the athletic goggles be ready for you, Daria? 

Daria: In an hour. 

Helen: See, Daria, you won't have to switch to contacts again, I can see you compete in sports, and we're all happy. 

Quinn: Mom, do you think the next time I have my eyes examined, could you tell the doctor to give me contacts to replace my reading glasses? 

Helen: Now, Quinn, you only really need those glasses for reading. I think you'll do well with them for now. 

Quinn: But, MOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!! If my friends see me wearing my reading glasses, they'll think I'm a geek. 

Daria: Quinn, given how Candy Kaine's changed things with the Fashion Club, and how they all now know that I'm your sister, are you still worried about being viewed as a geek? 

Quinn: But, Daria, it's one thing if they all think you're a geek; it's another if they think I'M a geek! 

Daria: Keep this up, Quinn, and you'll be looking through a lens darkly, all right. 

Jake: Hey, Quinn, why don't we walk on down to Cashman's and get something nice for you? 

Quinn: Sure, Dad. See you later, Daria, Mom! 

Helen: Jake, why do you let Quinn manipulate you like this? 

Jake: But, Helen, I'm just trying to defuse the situation here! Besides, Dad never did things like that to me! NO! HE WAS BUSY PLOTTING TO TAKE ME AWAY TO MILITARY SCHOOL, THAT'S WHAT!!!!!!!!!! 

Helen: Keep this up, Jake, and you'll suffer a relapse of your heart attack! 

Daria: And then we'll have to endure another visit by Grandma Morgendorffer again. 

(For once, Jake, Helen and Quinn agree, and collectively go "YUCK!!!!!!!!!!" Molly just smirks evilly. Jake takes Quinn out without saying another word. Zoom in on the clock, then fast cut so it now show 6:30 PM. The doctor steps into the waiting room and motions to Daria. Fast cut to the examination room, as we see the athletic goggles are now ready.) 

Doctor: OK, just put these on and let me know what you think of them. 

(Daria does so.) 

Daria: You know that scene from the video for Nine Inch Nails' "Closer", where Trent Reznor's wearing goggles, and the wind's blowing in his face, and his face gets all distorted? 

Doctor: I don't think I've ever seen that. 

Daria: Take it from me, that's what I feel like right now. 

(The doctor just closes his eyes and puts his hand to his forehead in defeat. Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: The athletic field at Lawndale High, 12:55 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Children of the Sun" by Rage Against the Machine. 

================================================================ (There's a good crowd here for a hockey game. We can see Jake, Helen, Quinn, Molly, Jane, Trent, Amanda and Darren Lane, Jodie, Mack, Kevin, Brittany, Sandi, Tiffany, Candy, Stacy, Ted, Ms. Li, Mr. DeMartino, Mr. O'Neill, Tom, Jamal, et al, in the stands. Cut to the sidelines, as Lawndale's team is being briefed by Donahue. Daria is sitting in-between Raye and the girl with the blonde bob, wearing her athletic goggles.) 

Donahue: OK, here's who we're going to start out with. The front line's going to be Daria on left wing; Kemmy on left interior; Raye in center; Allana on right interior and Kim on right wing. The halfbacks will be Sarah on left, Megan on center and Kendra on right. Fullbacks will be Lauren on left and Shana on right. Kristin will be the goalie. Let's get out there and show Oakwood we've got a new attitude now. 

Raye: Roger. 

Everyone on the Team except Daria: LAWNDALE!!!!!!!!!! 

Daria: (Monotone.) Yeah, right, Lawndale. 

(The Lawndale team steps onto the field, where we see the Oakwood team's there already. Oakwood's dressed in white shirts with red trim, Royal Stuart tartan miniskirts and red socks. Raye, wearing her blue bandanna, approaches the center line where the opening bully, or face-off, will take place. The center for Oakwood is a girl with a butch red haircut and a red bandanna. The referee--of which there's two in field hockey--approaches. She's wearing a black hat and the referee's black-and-white striped shirt, along with a black miniskirt and black socks. She drops the ball in the middle of the field, then Raye and the red-haired girl tap their sticks three times. Raye now whacks the ball down the field, and the game begins. Cut to the stands.) 

Jake: (Shouting.) GO GET 'EM, KIDDO!!!!!!!!!! (Everyone now looks at Jake funny.) Hey, can I help it if I call my daughter "Kiddo"? 

(Helen closes her eyes and puts her hand up to her forehead in defeat. Jane, Molly and Quinn smirk sinisterly.) 

(Raye moves the ball down the field, then passes it to Kemmy, the girl with the blonde bob. Some Oakwood defenders now approach her menacingly. Kemmy tries to dodge them, but is now caught in the leg by the stick of one of the Oakwood defenders, tripping her to the ground. The referee whistles the play dead.) 

Referee # 1: Penalty stroke awarded to Lawndale! 

(The referee puts the ball on the penalty stroke spot, where Kemmy calmly approaches the ball. The referee now whistles, and Kemmy takes the shot. The ball whizzes past the goalie, and Lawndale takes a 1-0 lead. Raye and Allana hug Kemmy. Daria just looks on.) 

Daria: OK, so far, so good. But I feel like Sailor Mercury with these damn goggles and this stupid uniform. 

(Some time passes. Raye and Daria are charging the field. Raye passes to Daria, who takes a shot. The Oakwood goalie knocks the ball away. Raye goes up to Daria.) 

Raye: Nice shot, Daria. 

Daria: Gee, thanks. 

(More time passes. It now becomes half-time as the second referee blows her whistle, and the scoreboard reads "OAKWOOD--2, LAWNDALE--3". The Lawndale team heads for the sidelines for the five-minute half-time.) 

Donahue: OK, great first half, ladies. Daria, you're doing OK there. You'll get your first real goal yet. Let's not let Oakwood intimidate us. We've got the lead; let's try to build on that. 

Raye: Wally's right, Daria. You're doing all right for yourself out there. 

Daria: I'll believe it when the end-of-game whistle blows. 

Kemmy: Daria, Raye's the captain of the team. She's always right. 

Allana: You'll improve. Just wait and see. 

(The whistle blows for the second half, and the teams step out onto the field again. Some time passes, and we see Kemmy advancing the ball. She passes it to Raye, who then passes it to Daria. Daria now takes a shot, and this time it finds its mark. Daria looks on in disbelief, then is mobbed by Raye and Kemmy.) 

Daria: Uh, guys, I can't breathe. 

Raye: Congratulations, Daria! You scored your first goal! 

Kemmy: Great going, Daria! 

Daria: Gee, thanks. 

(More time passes. We now see on the scoreboard that Oakwood has rallied back to tie the game at 4-4. The clock now says that there's fifteen seconds left in the game. Raye's moving the ball down the field again, trying to stall for time. With ten seconds left, she passes it to Allana, who then passes it back and forth to Raye. With three five seconds left, Raye passes it to Daria, who now drills it home just as time expires. Daria's teammates mob up on her.) 

Daria: Lawsuit! 

(Apparently, it's not working as they continue to mob up on her. Cut to the scoreboard, as the final score now reads: "OAKWOOD--4, LAWNDALE--5".) 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: Pizza King, Main Street, Lawndale, 3:30 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(Daria and Raye, still in their field hockey uniform, is sitting with Jane and Tom in a booth.) 

Tom: Say, Daria, you were real great out there. 

Daria: Gee, thanks. 

Raye: Don't sell yourself short, Daria. You scored the winning goal. 

Jane: And they named you the "First Star of the Game". And, with that, we get a free meal here. 

(Candy Kaine and the rest of the Fashion Club now approach.) 

Candy: Daria, let me be the first to congratulate you. You were brilliant out there. 

Sandi: Like, maybe we all should wear those tartan miniskirts in class Monday in honor of you or something, Daria. 

Daria: Do that and I'll chase YOU with a baseball bat. 

(Sandi cringes at that thought.) 

Jane: (Half-kidding, to Tom.) I think that will definitely get her inducted into the Obnoxious Hall of Fame. (Smirks evilly, then turns to Sandi.) Hey, did I ever tell you how well Daria cuts the wind? 

Tiffany: EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! 

(Daria flashes a super-hostile look at Jane.) 

Jane: Hey, I told you I reserved the right to say that in revenge for you saying that about me when I was on the track team. (Smirks evilly.) 

(Evan, the boy Jane befriended in "See Jane Run", now approaches.) 

Evan: Daria, everyone's talking about you. (To Jane.) Oh, hi, Jane. 

Jane: Perhaps maybe you like to be his girlfriend, Daria? (Smirks evilly.) 

(Daria makes a fist and puts it up to Jane's mouth.) 

Daria: You know, I can give you some permanent dental damage with this fist if you keep this up. 

Jane: Man, not even the Dirty Pair's this catty! 

Evan: Everyone's saying that you and Raye might help turn things around for the team, help us get a legitimate shot of knocking out Havenhurst for the State Championship! 

Daria: It's still a long way from that point, Evan. 

(Jamal now arrives to pick up Raye.) 

Jamal: Hey, Raye, you and Daria were great! 

Daria: Even he's joining the mutual admiration society now. 

Raye: Well, anyway, Jamal and I have a date now. (She gets up, and Tom gets up to let her through.) I'll see you guys later. (She leaves with Jamal.) 

Candy: Well, we'd better be going ourselves. (She and the rest of the Fashion Club now depart.) 

Daria: Great, now it's just the three of us. 

Jane: Tom and I are going someplace ourselves after this. 

(Daria scowls.) 

Daria: Well, I guess I'd better head back for home myself, then. 

(Daria gets up and leaves.) 

Jane: Was it something I said? 

Tom: Give Daria some time, Jane; she isn't exactly used to the two of us together yet. 

(Fast cut to Daria as she leaves Pizza King; she's carrying her field hockey stick with her. Pan down to the Fashion Club.) 

Sandi: Uh, guys, I'm gonna go home now. 

Quinn: OK; see you later, Sandi. 

(Sandi departs and goes down a side street.) 

(Fast cut to Daria as she heads for home herself.) 

Collette: (Off-camera.) Hey, Daria. 

(Daria turns around and sees that Collette is behind her.) 

Daria: What the Hell do you want? 

(Fast cut to Sandi as she's going down the side street. We now see Lara screech up to her in her skateboard. Sandi flinches.) 

Sandi: Like, what was that for? 

Lara: Remember me from the other day? 

Sandi: Like, I think so. 

Lara: I'm Lara Halstead; you know, Raye Halstead's kid sister. 

Sandi: Uh, yeah, I saw her in action at the field hockey game today. 

Lara: Has anyone told you that you bear a striking resemblance to me? 

Sandi: Uh, no. 

Lara: Don't worry; I'm no freaking alter ego from another dimension. Just coincidence. But I'd watch your back from now on. I eat people like you for breakfast. 

Sandi: What do you mean people like me? 

Lara: Self-pompous spoiled little brats like you. Oh, I've heard all about you, Sandi Griffin. You used to be on top of the world being the President of the Fashion Club and all that. Well, how does it feel to be the low man on the totem pole for a change with the rest of us "outcasts"? 

Sandi: But, I've become a changed person. Pastor Collier at St. Luke's Lutheran Church can vouch for that. I've been on the track team there for some time now. (15) 

Lara: And you blew that when Patty Wells attacked you during the recent Lawndale Bakery Women's 5K Run. (16) 

Sandi: I didn't blow anything. I was just an innocent victim of circumstances beyond my control. 

Lara: You just listen to me. You're gonna flop in your efforts to reform yourself. And when you do, I'm gonna be here to mop the floor with you. Just take that as being served on notice. Have a nice day. 

(She skates off.) 

Sandi: Man, she really gives me the creeps! 

(Fast cut to Daria and Collette.) 

Collette: So, you just lucked out on your first game. 

Daria: Perhaps, but I thought I played rather well. 

Collette: For someone who rather skip gym class. 

Daria: Collette, why are you on my case like this? 

Collette: You know, Daria, I'm very much like you. Smart, cynical, and all that. But at least I respect my elders and I respect authority, not to mention participate in school activities. Already I've joined the chess club, the debate team-- 

Daria: Which got its funding cut after I stood up to all their insanity. (17) 

Collette: (Ignoring the remark and continuing) --the Honor Society, the Business Club and the Computer Club. I'm seriously considering joining the volleyball team and basketball team as well. 

Daria: Well, I'm glad for you. Meanwhile, I'll just be content to stare at the cracks in the ceiling in my room in-between school and field hockey. 

Collette: Daria, one of these days, that mouth of yours is going to get you into trouble more serious than getting detention. 

Daria: Until then, I'm still the school's reigning "Misery Chick". So, why don't you take a hike? 

Collette: You know what? You're just a self-righteous bitch! 

(Daria definitely doesn't take kindly to being called a bitch, so she takes the hockey stick and whacks Collette upside the head with it. Collette loses it and lunges toward Daria. Daria stands her ground but is suddenly yanked to safety by some unknown arm. Collette misses her target and looks around, but Daria's gone.) 

Collette: THIS IS NOT OVER BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, DARIA! YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! 

(Fast cut to Daria, who's in an alleyway now. We see that the person who saved her is--Upchuck.) 

Daria: (Sarcastically.) Gee, my knight in shining armor. 

Upchuck: Well, I certainly wasn't going to let that lady beat you up now, was I? ROWR! 

Daria: Now, if you don't mind, I'm going home. 

Upchuck: Ah, ah, ah! (Grabs her.) First, you must pay me for my good deed! 

(He now French kisses Daria; Daria claws Upchuck's face.) 

Upchuck: Hey, OW! 

(Before Upchuck can recover from that, Daria takes the field hockey stick and smashes it into Upchuck's testicles, sending him howling in agony to the ground.) 

Daria: Just be lucky I don't file rape charges against you, Upchuck. 

(She leaves.) 

Upchuck: ROWR! Feisty! 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: Jamal's bedroom at the Sharif residence, 1359 Church Street, Lawndale, 11:35 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(We can see that Jamal and Raye are in bed together. Jamal's bare-chested while Raye is covered up to her shoulders by the bedsheet. They've obviously have made love. There's a TV set, and it's tuned in to "Saturday Night Live".) 

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Alexander! 

(We see a shot of the TV as Jason Alexander steps out onto the stage.) 

Alexander: Hello, everyone! Welcome to "Saturday Night Live". (Goes into his Duckman voice) And what the Hell are YOU staring at? 

(Raye goes up to Jamal and kisses him. She hums satisfiedly.) 

Jamal: I had a nice time tonight. Dinner, a movie, then back here to my place. 

Raye: Yeah, and your folks are away on that trip to England, so they don't know I'm here. 

Jamal: What about your folks? 

Raye: They trust me. 

Jamal: That's more than I can say for mine. Mom and Dad can be so strict at times. 

Raye: You know, Daria can be a great part of the team if she could only get her self-confidence built up. 

Jamal: And with you graduating and going on to Middleton College, the team's going to need someone who can take it as well as dish it out. (He feels the scar down Raye's left leg.) I just hope those Havenhurst goons don't do anything worse to you this time. 

Raye: Believe it or not, we actually get to play them in a non-league match-up toward the end of the season, just before the play-offs. 

Jamal: Raye, I want you to be careful. Havenhurst plays a very mean game. I don't want you getting hurt. 

Raye: Well, Grandpa's going to make sure of that. He's already going to whip up a charm of protection for me. 

Jamal: He's really serious about this. 

Raye: Well, when he and my Mom came over from Japan, he set up that small Shinto shrine in the floor above the Pizza King. He's been training me to be the miko for some time now. He knows that Mom isn't too serious in following him, and neither is my sister. 

Jamal: Well, she's from your Dad's previous marriage, right? 

Raye: Yeah. 

Jamal: You know, in Islam, women aren't allowed to be imam or anything else clerical. 

Raye: Miko have existed for thousands of years, and in my family, there have been miko running back for at least a hundred generations. 

Jamal: Well, you know my folks; they haven't been too comfortable with you being half-Japanese and a miko, but your folks have taken me in stride. 

Raye: Were going to have a service tomorrow afternoon at two. Would you like to come to it? 

Jamal: Hey, I'm pretty open-minded. 

Raye: Good. (She kisses Jamal.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: Daria's bedroom, 1:55 AM Sunday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria asleep in her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts. Daria's tossing and turning. Zoom in on her, then cut to her nightmare. Daria's walking down a dark alley. Suddenly, we see Collette leap out of nowhere.) 

Collette: You've got a fresh mouth, don't you? (She broadsides Daria with a right hook.) 

(We now see Tom and Jane.) 

Tom: I'm gonna steal your friend away from you, and there's nothing you can do to stop me! (Laughs maniacally.) 

Jane: Besides, you're a jock now, and I don't like jocks! (Begins to laugh with Tom). 

(Daria begins to run. We now see Trent, kissing Monique Belanger, the editor of the "Lawndale Buzz" newspaper.) 

Trent: Daria, you're really cool and all that, but I'm really in love with Monique. 

Monique: Sorry, Daria, you snooze, you lose! 

(Daria is still running. She now bumps into Upchuck.) 

Upchuck: Let's face it, Daria; I'm you future. We're going to get married and have kids! ROWR!!!!!!!!!! (He puckers up to kiss Daria, but she kicks him in the testicles.) OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! 

(Daria now runs for her life. Quinn, Jake and Helen now pop up.) 

Quinn: Great going, Daria! Things would have been going great for me if Mom didn't tell Sandi's Mom that we're actually sisters! 

Jake: It's all your fault I had a heart attack, kiddo! IT WAS YOUR CONSTANTLY AGGRAVATING ME THAT DID IT!!!!!!!!!! 

Helen: I've tried to communicate with you for years, Daria, but you just like to build a wall around yourself, don't you? 

(Daria runs like Hell now. Sandi leaps out of nowhere now.) 

Sandi: Like, it's all your fault I was deposed as President of the Fashion Club! (She swings a baseball bat at Daria, but she ducks out of the way.) 

(We now see the Mystery Girl Patter from Marathon Woman leap out; he begins to pat Daria on the head.) 

Mystery Girl Patter: NICE GIRL! NICE, NICE LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!!!!! 

Daria: Cut it out! Cut it out! 

(The Mystery Girl Patter now cops a free feel off Daria's legs, causing her to shriek. Daria runs away.) 

(We now see Beavis and Butt-Head.) 

Beavis: M-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!!!!!!!!!! We want to score with you, Diarrhea! 

Butt-Head: Yeah, let's score with you! UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!!!!!!!!!! 

(Suddenly, Beavis and Butt-Head are shoved out of the way by Todd.) 

Todd: Come here, bitch! We're going for a ride! 

(Todd grabs Daria by the collar of her jacket; Daria screams. Sudden cut to Daria in her bed, as she wakes up with a gasp.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 7: A road somewhere out of Lawndale; 11:30 AM Sunday. Background music: "Everybody Hurts" by REM plays throughout this scene. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria's VW parked along the side of the road. Daria is sitting along a grassy knoll. Apparently she decided to take a drive to clear her mind about matters. Cut to the road, as a powder blue Toyota Corolla parks alongside the road. Raye now steps out of the Corolla; she's wearing the traditional outfit of a miko: a white robe-like top and red hakama, or long, loose-fitting trousers. Raye cautiously approaches Daria and puts a friendly hand on her shoulder.) 

Raye: Daria, your mother asked me to find you. Your folks are worried. 

Daria: Raye, I had the worst nightmare of my life last night. It seemed like everyone I knew was against me. 

Raye: Everyone? (Smirks a bit of that sinister smile like Jane does.) 

Daria: Well, no. You weren't in it. 

Raye: (Looking into Daria's eyes.) Daria, something's giving you a lot of pain; I can tell. 

Daria: Well, can I help it if I like to hide it? 

Raye: Daria, if a person hides the hurt inside for too long, it'll wind up tearing that person apart. 

Daria: Listen, it's worked for me for the past seventeen years. 

Raye: It's about you're going to lose Jane to Tom or she'll dump you because you're on the field hockey team now, isn't it? 

Daria: (Sighs.) Partly that. 

Raye: It's also about Collette, too, isn't it? 

Daria: Partly that, too. 

Raye: I know her type. Big chip on her shoulder. 

Daria: But it's also about other things. 

Raye: Like what? 

Daria: Sandi's attack on me, Todd sexually assaulting me back in Highland, other things. 

Raye: And it all adds up to you being here right now? 

Daria: Raye, for the first time I really feel like I am truly alone, like no one wants to know me. Jane's got Tom and she goes out with him all the time, Quinn really couldn't care less about me, everyone else in school or in town's complete idiots or worse. Am I the only person around here with intelligence? 

Raye: Well, there's me. (Smirks.) Listen, I've been through a lot myself. My mother and grandfather came over from Japan eighteen years ago and met my dad. This kind of monolithic town where everyone's almost all WASP's doesn't really take kindly to people of mixed heritage--or bastards, for that matter. Mom met Dad when he was still in the Army. She was the miko at the shrine Grandpa ran near where Dad was stationed. They had an affair for some time. When she and Grandpa arrived, she was expecting me. Dad didn't find out until five years later; as a result, Lara's mother divorced Dad, and she decided to live with Dad, Grandpa, Mom and I after Dad realized he really loved my mother. The kids used to taunt me a lot in school, until I took up some sports. But there's still some people out there who don't like the fact Grandpa runs his shrine. Believe me, Daria, I know what it's like to be an outcast like you. But I didn't let it make me bitter. You ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that I'm really a nice person. 

Daria: Then tell me, why do you put up with it? People ignoring you or tripping you at games or taunting you, that is. 

Raye: Daria, I seriously believe that in the future things will get better for me. There's a lot of people out there who need help, the type of help that doesn't come from the barrel of a gun or the ballot box. I want to be part of that, to help people. When I go to Middleton College next year, I'm going to be majoring in social work. I want to be a counselor or something similar. Heck, maybe you can be my test case. All I ask of you is to trust me and to open up. 

(She extends her arms out to Daria, who now embraces Raye. Daria begins to cry a bit.) 

Daria: (Sobbing.) Raye, I really don't want to be alone! 

Raye: You don't have to be if you don't want to, Daria. 

(Fast cut to Daria and Raye hugging each other.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 8: The athletic field at Havenhurst High School, 2:30 PM Sunday. 

================================================================ 

(We see the Havenhurst High field hockey team for the first time. The coach, Selma Feirstein, is rather butchy-looking with a blonde crew cut and wearing a purple jogging suit. The players themselves are wearing purple T-shirts with yellow stripes, with yellow miniskirts with purple tartan, and purple socks. One of the players is a rather tall player with red pigtails and a considerable build whacks the ball ahead during the scrimmage. Feirstein blows her whistle, and everyone gathers around her.) 

Feirstein: All right, you sissies! We've only got three weeks before we face Lawndale at the end of the season. This could be a preview of the State Championship here, and I want you to make a very good impression out there! I want you to put the fucking fear of God into those Lawndale bitches! (She now motions to a life-size cut-out of Raye.) That, ladies, as far as we're concerned, is Public Enemy Number One. She got named to the All-State First Team for her position. You know what we have to do, right? 

(The girl with the red pigtails now stands up, hits the ball with the full force of her stick, and it shoots straight to the cut-out of Raye, knocking its head off. The girl with the red pigtails laughs sinisterly.) 

Feirstein: (Sternly.) Any questions? 

================================================================ 

Scene 9: The athletic field at Lawndale High, 3:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: "Skydiver" by Schtum plays throughout the scene. (18) 

================================================================ 

(A montage sequence begins as we hear the song's opening driving guitar riffs kick in. Lawndale is playing Leeville, who are wearing green T-shirts with white stripes, green miniskirts with white tartan, and green socks. Daria and Raye are leading the charge up the field. Cut to Jane and Tom out in the stands.) 

Jane: KICK SOME FRIGGING ASS, DARIA!!!!!!!!!! 

(Everyone turns to look at Jane, but Tom smirks his approval, after which Jane smirks evilly herself.) 

(Fast cut back to Daria, who smirks that Mona Lisa grin herself. Raye passes the ball to her, and she sends it home for the goal.) 

(Cut to later that game, as Raye is tripped by a Leeville defender. A penalty corner is awarded to her, and she scores off it.) 

(Cut to the front page of an issue of the "Lawndale Lowdown", the school newspaper. The headlines say "FIELD HOCKEY TEAM ON A ROLL!", with a sub-headline saying "Lions dominating in conference.") 

(Cut to an away game versus Oakwood. Lawndale's away jerseys are yellow with blue trim, lettering and numbering. An Oakwood player whacks Raye with her stick, and she responds by a judo chop to the head. Daria looks at this, then sees the referee give Raye a black card, which leads to her ejection. Daria's relieved at her position by a rather short player with a black bob haircut. Daria goes to Raye.) 

Daria: Tough break there, Raye. 

Raye: Oh, it's nothing. Grandpa taught me judo over the years. It kinda comes in handy when you have to deal with some of the scum in Lawndale who call you a "Jap" all the time. 

(They both smirk sinisterly.) 

(Cut to an exterior shot of Raye's house, a well-appointed looking house in the better part of town. Cut to what looks like a private gym. Raye is dressed in black sports top and black sports pants. Daria's dressed in her brown T-shirt and white shorts, along with her gym sneakers. Raye's apparently teaching her some judo moves.) 

Raye: Let's see how well you can defend yourself, Daria. 

Daria: Raye, you're about as tall as Shaquille O'Neal, and I'm only five foot two. Do I really have a chance? 

Raye: You won't know until you try. (Smirks reassuredly.) 

(Raye begins her attack. Daria blocks it, then tosses Raye up and over. Raye smiles at Daria; apparently she's learning her lessons well here.) 

(Cut to another game. Daria passes the ball to Raye, and she scores a goal.) 

(Cut to similar scenes throughout the season, as Daria and Raye score various goals.) 

(Cut to another issue of the "Lowdown". The headline now says "FIELD HOCKEY TEAM CLINCHES CONFERENCE TITLE!". The subheadline says "Lions to face Havenhurst in season-ending non-league game this Saturday".) 

================================================================ 

Scene 10: The athletic field at Lawndale High, 1:00 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(It's the day of the season-ending game against Havenhurst. Everyone we know is out in the stands. Ms. Li is seen with Armand Brewster, the principal of Havenhurst High; he's a tall, fat, balding man wearing a blue business suit.) 

Brewster: Well, Angela, this should prove to be a very interesting preview of the State Championship. 

Li: As of course it should be, Armand. And, I've got $5000 riding on this match! 

Brewster: Just as long as those bastards at the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association don't know that it's "their" money you're using. 

(They both laugh over this.) 

(Fast cut to the visiting team's locker room. Kevin Thompson, the star quarterback, and Brittany Taylor, the head cheerleader, walk past.) 

Kevin: Hey, babe, I still can't figure out why they call it field hockey if the players don't wear ice skates! 

Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) MMMMM, well, maybe they wear rollerblades instead! 

Kevin: Anyway, Daria and Raye have certainly turned things around for the team. 

Brittany: Yeah, and we may even get to win the State Championship now! 

Kevin: I'll save a space for you at the grandstand, babe. 

Brittany: OK, Kevvy! I'm just going to see if my old friend Linda-Lou is here! 

(Kevin leaves. Brittany now waits outside the locker room. The burly girl with the red pigtails now approaches.) 

Red-Pigtailed Girl: Hey, you! What are you doing here! 

Brittany: MMMMM, I'm Brittany Taylor, head cheerleader here at Lawndale High! I happen to know one of the players here on the Havenhurst team, Linda-Lou Packard. She used to live next door to me until two years ago. 

Red-Pigtailed Girl: Beat it! No one from the enemy's allowed here! 

(Brittany now notices that the girl's carrying something under her arms. It's a plain brown box.) 

Brittany: Say, what's that in there? 

(The girl now grabs Brittany by the shoulders and roughs her up.) 

Red-Pigtailed Girl: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!! NOW BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!! (She slams Brittany hard to the wall, and drops her. Brittany slowly gets up as the girl enters the locker room. We now hear her off-camera:) Look what I have here, guys! 

(Brittany now gets the courage to get up and peek in, making sure that no one notices her. She gasps. Fast cut to what she's seeing: the red-pigtailed girl's holding a bottle of steroids in her hand. Brittany quietly closes the door and tries to get out as fast as her woozy body can.) 

(Cut to a few minutes later, and both teams are out on the field for the opening bully. Daria is facing off against the red-pigtailed girl. They hit their sticks three times, and Daria gets the ball. She, Raye and Kemmy now move up the field. Cut to Jake, Helen, Quinn and Molly out in the stands.) 

Jake: GIVE 'EM HELL, KIDDO!!!!!!!!!! 

Helen: Why, Jake, you're actually very enthusiastic about what Daria's doing these days! 

Quinn: Man, even I'm impressed. Daria and Raye are unstoppable. 

(Cut to the field, where Raye passes the ball to Kemmy, who sets Daria up, who drives the ball into the goal. Everyone mobs up around Daria.) 

(Cut to the middle of the second half, where the time on the clock reads "15:00 TO GO" and the score is "HAVENHURST--3, LAWNDALE--3". Cut to the field, with Daria and Raye heading up the field. Suddenly, the red-pigtailed girl takes her stick and trips Daria up with it, but she makes it look like Daria had actually tripped her up instead as both opponents fall to the ground. The referee blows the play dead.) 

Referee # 1: Corner shot for Havenhurst! 

Raye: (Outraged that her friend could be tripped up like that, then blamed for something that she didn't commit.) WHAT! I SAW EVERYTHING! DARIA DIDN'T CAUSE THAT FOUL! IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND! 

Red-Pigtailed Girl: Hey, you bitch! Mind your place! 

Raye: Don't get me started, Marilyn! You've been ragging on me the past three seasons, now you're ragging on Daria as well? 

Marilyn: Take your medicine like a trooper, eh? 

Daria: (To Raye.) It isn't worth fighting over, Raye; let it go. 

Raye: (To the referee.) But I saw everything! 

Referee # 1: You're risking getting a black card here, Halstead! 

Marilyn: So, shut up and be quiet, you little snot-assed bitch! 

(Raye can't take it anymore, and punches Marilyn in the stomach. Fast cut to Marilyn's face, which now lets out a blood-curdling snarl. Next thing we see, Marilyn crashes her fist into Raye with all her might, causing her to stumble and fall. Slow-motion shot of Raye falling, with a sickening "THUD!" Cut to the crowd, with shocked looks on their faces, even on Ms. Li. Daria runs up to her friend.) 

Daria: Raye! Raye! Speak to me! Speak to me, dammit! 

(Jane runs up to Daria and Raye. Jane flashes a hostile look at Marilyn, to give her a warning not to mess with her. Marilyn respectfully, but reluctantly, holds her ground.) 

Referee # 1: Marilyn Porter, you're out of here! (She gives Marilyn a black card, and Marilyn leaves the game.) 

Jane: (Putting her ear to Raye's chest.) She's got a heartbeat. 

(Raye begins to stir a little.) 

Raye: (Woozy.) Uh--uh-- 

Daria: (Grasping Raye's hand.) It's all right, Raye. Help's coming. 

(We now see some EMT's arrive with a stretcher. They put Raye on it and carry her off. Daria and Jane follow, with Tom joining them. Donahue joins them.) 

Donahue: If you want to go with Raye to the hospital, Daria, I understand. 

(There's no response from Daria as she and her friends grimly enter the ambulance. Donahue understands.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 11: A hospital room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 5:30 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(Raye is lying in bed, with a bandage around her forehead and wearing a blue smock. Daria, Jane, Tom, Molly and Quinn are sitting around her.) 

Daria: You really gave me a scare out there, Raye. 

Jane: You're just lucky the doctor said it was just a mild concussion. 

Raye: They're going to keep me in here overnight for observation. I've suffered a few of these in my career, and it's taken its toll on me. I wouldn't be surprised if the doctor told me to hang up my stick for good this time. 

Daria: Raye, if you do that, we won't stand a chance with Havenhurst if we meet them in the State Championship. 

Quinn: Yeah, like how can you let such a beautiful body like yours suffer so much punishment? 

Raye: Because I like to play the game, that's what. It isn't about winning or losing or getting even with those who fouled me, it's for the game itself. 

Daria: And, besides, at least the field hockey pitch hasn't had a corporate sponsor's name on it yet. (Smirks evilly again.) 

Raye: Daria, if I have to call it a career, it's up to you to lead the team to the championship. I know you won't let me down. 

(Before Daria can begin to object, Brittany enters the room.) 

Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Daria, I've got to talk to you about something in private. 

Daria: This is a surprise, Brittany. 

(Brittany motions Daria out to the hallway. She leads her to the stairwell. Closing the door to the stairwell behind them, Brittany now goes to Daria.) 

Brittany: Daria, you know all those rumors about Havenhurst's field hockey team using steroids to improve their performance? 

Daria: Raye's told me all about it. Unfortunately, there's never been any concrete evidence to back it up. 

Brittany: What if I was to tell you that it's true, and I saw it with my own two eyes? 

(Daria has a shocked look on her face. We now hear an organ interlude as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse me!" as we see a widescreen shot of the scene where Daria and Raye are hugging each other in slow-motion and in a purple tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) 

================================================================ 

COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 

================================================================ 

(We now see a man banging a gong which has the phrase "A J. ARTHUR RANK ENTERPRISE" written on it. Suddenly, martial artists leap out of nowhere and karate chop each other to the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting".) 

Announcer: On the next edition of "Karate Chop Theater", it's "Shaq-Fu: The Movie"! See Shaquille O'Neal make a fool out of himself as he tries to prove that he's a real martial artist! 

(Show a shot of bank robbers fleeing the scene of the crime. O'Neal shows up, wearing a blue karate outfit.) 

O'Neal: Yo, man! You're gonna get whacked by Shaq-Fu! 

Robber # 1: HA HA HA HA HA! C'mon and try, sucka! 

(O'Neal makes some fancy kung-fu movements, but keeps missing his mark. The robbers now gang up on O'Neal and beat the shit out of him. They now leave him lying in a heap.) 

O'Neal: Maybe I should stick with basketball! 

Announcer: That's all happening in "Shaq-Fu: The Movie"! This week on "Karate Chop Theater"! This Saturday at 3:00 PM Eastern, 2:00 PM Central, only on this station! 

(Another commercial.) 

Announcer: On the next all new episode of "Cow and Chicken", undeclared U. S. Senate candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani pay a visit to Cow and Chicken's town! 

(Show a shot of Clinton and Giuliani at the city park, on separate podiums. Cow and Chicken are in the audience.) 

Clinton: If you elect me, I'll revoke welfare reform and devote the entire budget surplus to welfare, and bring back affirmative action! 

Giuliani: If you elect me, I'll ban any art that has any elephant waste on it from publicly-financed museums and make jaywalking a Federal crime punishable by death! 

Chicken: Man, both of these candidates are real jerks! 

(Suddenly, we see the Red Guy storm onto the stage, wearing a Nazi SS uniform and wielding a chainsaw.) 

Red Guy: I am Harry Bottoms, undeclared Senatorial candidate for the Upstate Nazi Party! VOTE FOR ME AND I'LL TAKE THE FOOD OUT OF POOR PEOPLE'S MOUTHS AND CHOP DOWN EVERY TREE IN THE ADIRONDACK PARK!!!!!!!!!! (He revs up the chainsaw.) 

Chicken: Oh, my God! That guy's even worse than the other two! 

Cow: I'll stop him! 

(Cow runs off, then returns as Supercow.) 

Supercow: ¡SUPERCOW A RESCANTÉ! (She does a Xena-esque yell and whips the Red Guy with her udder, causing him to retreat.) 

Clinton: I've got to get her on my campaign team! 

Giuliani: No, I saw her first! She's going on my team! (He and Clinton now engage in fisticuffs.) 

Chicken: ENNNNND!!!!!!!!!! 

Announcer: That's all happening on an all-new episode of "Cow and Chicken", only during "Cartoon Cartoon Fridays", this Friday night at 8:30 Eastern, 7:30 Central, only on Cartoon Network! 

================================================================ 

ACT 3 (If you lived here, you'd be home by now!) 

================================================================ 

Scene 1: The stairwell at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 5:35 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria and Brittany as we left them.) 

Daria: Brittany, those are very serious charges you're making here. Do you have any proof to back this up? 

Brittany: I saw one of them holding up a bottle of the stuff, Daria! 

Daria: It would help if you had one of those bottles; otherwise, unless they submit to a drug test--and I have a feeling that they're not going to do that very easily--you don't have much of a case. 

Brittany: Well, one of them threatened to punch my lights out if I showed up at their locker room again. 

(Daria thinks for a minute.) 

Daria: Brittany, I think I have a way we can get the evidence you need. 

Brittany: How? 

Daria: Just listen carefully, and take notes if you can't remember. 

Brittany: MMMMM, okay! 

================================================================ 

Scene 2: The office of Angela Li at LHS, 9:00 AM Monday. Background music: the opening electric banjo riffs from "Higgle-Dy-Piggle-Dy" from The Monks. 

================================================================ 

(Ms. Li is at her desk when the letter carrier enters her office. He gives her the mail and leaves. As Ms. Li leafs through it, she sees one letter of particular notice.) 

Li: HMMMM, no return address. Must be another death threat. (She opens the letter.) "Dear Ms. Li: I wish to remain anonymous due to threats to my life. I want to inform you that Havenhurst's field hockey team's using steroids. I saw with my own two eyes one of the players bringing in a whole case of it to their locker room. I wish I had some evidence to back this up, but I hope you can do the right thing. Sincerely, a concerned student." (Pauses.) This could be the big break I've been waiting for! I've been waiting to nail Havenhurst's asses with this for years! (She goes to the phone and dials. Pause as she waits for an answer.) Hello, Vigilant Eye Private Detective Agency? Have I got a case for you! 

================================================================ 

Scene 3: The Halstead residence, 1355 Church Street, Lawndale, 4:30 PM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We're at Raye's room, which is rather pretty. It has pink paint with a canopy bed with stuffed animals on it and knick-knacks all over the place. Raye is dressed in a black T-shirt and blue shorts, just taking it easy. Daria, Jane, Kemmy [who's wearing a pink T-shirt, blue denim jacket and a pink miniskirt], Tom, Trent and Jamal are all here with her.) 

Daria: I'm glad the doctor said the concussion wasn't serious and that you're able to play in the play-offs, Raye. 

Raye: Yeah, I'm lucky, I'm guess. 

Jamal: I don't know if it was Allah or one of your kami looking out for you, Raye, but you certainly pulled through by some divine intervention. (He kisses her on the cheek.) 

Kemmy: Will you be here for the sectional match-up against Oakwood on Friday? 

Raye: You bet. 

(Jane's looking at the stuffed animals, and notices one in particular: a black panther. She holds it up and looks at it admiringly.) 

Jane: Awwww, this one reminds me of Snaggers! 

Daria: Snaggers? 

Jane: (Blushing a bit.) Well, he's a doll just like this one that I've had since I was a kid. Whenever I'm feeling blue and not even the art helps, I just get old Snaggers out of the closet and give him a hug. It makes me feel better. (19) 

Daria: Twisted. 

(To that, Jane just smirks evilly.) 

Trent: Anyway, Raye, Janey and Daria says you're one cool person. Maybe you can hang out with us at our place sometime. 

Daria: Just be careful not to get underfoot of Zachary and Taylor, their cats; they get temperamental about being tripped. 

Tom: Maybe one evening you and Jamal and have some pizza with Jane and me. 

Raye: Thanks, guys; you're all heart. 

Kemmy: What matters now is the play-offs, right? 

Raye: Roger, Kemmy. (Smiles.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 4: The athletic field at LHS, 3:30 PM Friday. Background music: "Push It" by Garbage plays throughout this scene. 

================================================================ 

(Lawndale is playing Oakwood as a montage begins. Daria, Raye and Kemmy are going up the field. Kemmy passes to Daria, who passes to Raye, who drills the ball into the goal.) 

(The headline in the "Lowdown" says "LAWNDALE BEATS OAKWOOD IN PLAY-OFF OPENER"; the subheadline says "Next opponent: Rock City for Sectional Championship".) 

(We're now at the pizzeria, where Raye, Jamal, Tom and Jane are at one table, celebrating the victory, while Daria and Kemmy are at another table.) 

(We're now at Rock City, whose players wear orange shirts with black stripes, and black skirts and socks. Daria whacks the ball past the goalie for the game-winner.) 

(Cut to the "Lowdown", whose headline says "LEEVILLE NEXT IN REGIONAL MATCH-UP!") 

(We're now at the Lane residence, where Raye is hanging out with Jane, Daria and Trent. We see the Lane cats, Zachary and Taylor, come in. Zachary is white with black splotches and yellow eyes while Taylor is white with light brown splotches of the color similar to Siamese cats with blue eyes. Zachary and Taylor leap into Raye's lap and purr. Raye smiles.) 

(We're now back at Lawndale High. Kemmy is hassled by a couple of players from Leeville, who now trip her. Raye retaliates in kind by roughing one of the players who tripped Kemmy. A penalty shot is awarded to Leeville, but the Lawndale goalie successfully blocks it. Daria later on passes the ball to Kemmy, who drills it into the net.) 

(The "Lowdown" headline now says "LIONS TO TAKE ON NORRISVILLE IN STATE SEMI-FINAL".) 

(We now see an private investigator snooping into the Havenhurst locker room during the other semi-final. He seems to be finding some items of interest.) 

(We now cut to the Norrisville athletic field; Norrisville is wearing white shirts with teal blue stripes and teal blue skirts with white tartan. Kemmy passes the ball to Daria, who passes it to Raye, who drills the ball home for the goal.) 

(The "Lowdown" headline now says "LAWNDALE TO TAKE ON HAVENHURST FOR STATE FIELD HOCKEY CROWN!") 

================================================================ 

Scene 5: The Havenhurst athletic field, 12:30 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ (It's the day of the big state championship game. There's a pretty big crowd for it as well. Cut to Jake, Helen, Quinn and Molly in the stands. Jake's wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, same with Helen. Molly's dressed in a white T-shirt and a red skirt, while Quinn's wearing that dopey smiley-face T-shirt and the Lawndale field hockey tartan miniskirt.) 

Jake: Well, this is it, everyone! The championship game! 

Helen: I have never been as proud of Daria as I am right now! 

Quinn: Does this skirt make my legs look sexy? 

Molly: No, it just makes you look like the Fat Bastard. 

(Quinn scowls a bit at that remark.) 

(Cut to another part of the grandstand, where we see Ms. Li and Mr. Brewster sitting next to each other. Ms. Li's in a red sweater and jeans, while Mr. Brewster's in a blue business suit.) 

Li: Armand, care to make a friendly wager on this game? 

Brewster: I don't gamble, Angela. 

Li: Well, you know, the kind of bets mayors and governors make when their teams are in the play-offs. I'll put up a dinner at Chez Pierre against you taking me to the Montcalm Restaurant here in town. (20) 

Brewster: Gotcha. (They shake hands.) 

(Cut to the Havenhurst sidelines, where Feirstein is talking to her team.) 

Firestein: OK, troops, this is it. We're going to humble Lawndale again like we did last year. I want you to go out there and crush them! 

(The team cheers themselves hoarse.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: The Havenhurst locker room, 12:45 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Brittany, whose decided to come to the game, sneaking around, trying to find some empty steroid bottles. She's on her hands and knees on the floor, looking around, when she bumps into a foot. She looks up to see a girl in a Havenhurst uniform with shoulder-length brown hair.) 

Girl: Looking for something, you bitch? 

(Brittany tries to run, but the girl grabs her by the scruff of her neck. Brittany screams as she's put into a chokehold. Suddenly, the private detective who's been investigating Havenhurst for Ms. Li enters. He sees what's going on and takes action. He goes up to the Havenhurst player and delivers a karate chop to the neck, dropping her.) 

Brittany: (Twirling her finger around her hair.) MMMMM, thanks for saving me! 

Detective: What are you doing here? 

Brittany: Probably the same reason you're here--to find some evidence that Havenhurst's been using steroids. 

Detective: I think we can find some containers around here. (The Havenhurst girl begins to stir.) And this little lady here's going to give us the most valuable evidence of them all. 

Girl: (Groggy.) Whaddaya mean? 

Detective: (Taking a specimen bottle out.) You're going to go to the bathroom and give us a urine sample, that's what. And if you don't cooperate, I do happen to know about that grade fixing scandal you were involved in. 

(The girl gasps and complies, taking the bottle with her.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 6: Back at the Havenhurst athletic field, 1:00 AM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(It's time for the opening bully. The referee approaches the center and drops the ball between Raye and Marilyn. They hit their sticks three times, and Marilyn hits the ball deep inside Lawndale's half of the field. Marilyn drives the ball all the way down to the goal, and gets the first tally of the game. Daria, Raye and Kemmy return for the next bully.) 

Donahue: (Off-screen.) Don't let them get you down, ladies. We can do it! 

(Cut to Feirstein.) 

Feirstein: That's it, ladies! Show 'em who's boss! 

(Cut back to the action, as Raye, Daria and Kemmy run up the field. Kemmy passes to Raye, who passes to Daria, who now drills the ball into the net for Lawndale's first score.) 

(Cut to later on, as time's about to expire in the first half. The score reads "LAWNDALE--3, HAVENHURST--3". The referee blows her whistle. Both sides go to their respective sidelines for the five-minute intermission.) 

Donahue: Great going, gang. We're keeping this one close. Let's keep it that way in the second half. 

Daria: Think we have a chance at this, Raye? 

Raye: We're just getting warmed up, Daria. I've got a score to settle with Marilyn in the second half. 

(Raye smirks evilly while Daria smirks that Mona Lisa grin of hers.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 7: The Havenhurst locker room, 1:50 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(The detective is seen with a drug test kit. Brittany and the Havenhurst girl are sitting nearby. The detective puts some chemical into the urine sample and checks it against a chart.) 

Detective: AHA! Steroids! 

Brittany: And what do you have to say for yourself now, young lady! 

Girl: (In a panic.) Well, it isn't my fault! Coach Feirstein's been giving us these for years! It's helped turn our team around! We used to be the doormat of the state in this sport until the school hired Feirstein! 

Brittany: Don't you know using steroids is dangerous and illegal? Not even Kevvy uses them! He's not that stupid! 

Detective: I intend to bring this to the attention of Ms. Li at the most opportune moment. As for you, (pointing to the Havenhurst girl.) you're in big trouble unless you agree to testify. 

Brittany: You don't have a choice sister! 

(The girl rolls her eyes.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 8: Back out on the field, 1:55 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(The bully to open the second half is held, and Raye whacks the ball down the field. Daria and Kemmy are with her as they lead the charge. Raye passes the ball to Daria, who passes it to Kemmy, who drills the ball into the net.) 

(Cut to later on, where Raye is leading the way again. Marilyn now decides to play dirty and deliberately trips Raye, sending her crashing to the ground. Cut to Daria and Kemmy, who have shocked looks on their faces. Raye, however, gets up; we can see her snarling, then lets out a primal scream.) 

Raye: FOUR YEARS OF THIS IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!! (She now lunges toward Marilyn, and they have a fist fight. Marilyn yanks off Raye's shirt, exposing her black sports bra. Raye, however, now gouges Marilyn's eyes. The referees move in and break up the fight. They issue black cards to both players. The game is stopped so as to remove the players. Daria goes up to Raye.) 

Daria: Raye, that was stupid of you to do that! 

Raye: That may be so, Daria, but it's been a long time coming. It's your team now. Finish the job! 

(Raye pauses long enough to grasp Daria's hand firmly. Daria now senses what she has to do. Another Lawndale player, a girl with brown hair in a bob and gray eyes, enters the field.) 

Daria: (To the new Lawndale girl.) Strap yourself in and hang on; it's going to be a bumpy ride. 

(The action resumes. Both teams trade goals. Cut to the scoreboard later on, as time's expiring. The score is tied at 5-all. The referee blows her whistle.) 

Announcer: After a five-minute intermission, a ten minute overtime period will be played. If no one scores then, a shoot-out will take place. Each team will have five shooters at the opponent's goal and will alternate taking shots. The team with the most goals at the end of the first shoot-out will win. If no one scores or if it remains tied, another shoot-out will be held, and so on, until a winner's decided. 

(Cut back to the action. Daria tries to score a goal, but the goalie blocks it. Shots of various Lawndale and Havenhurst players trying to score, but to no avail. The overtime ends, and the shoot-out phase begins. Cut to the sidelines as Donahue is making his picks.) 

Donahue: Here's the order we'll go in. Kemmy, you'll go first, then Karen, Tammy, Missy, and, finally, Daria. Go out there and win it for Lawndale! 

(The shoot-out begins. Havenhurst starts off. The first Havenhurst player misses, as does the first Lawndale player. The other three pairs also miss. However, the fifth Havenhurst player scores. We now cut to Daria, who's at the penalty shot mark.) 

Daria: (Thought voice-over.) If I score this one, we're still alive. If I miss, Havenhurst wins and I'll be the scapegoat. Just keep yourself calm, Daria, and don't panic. (As she begins to go to the ball.) This one's for you, Raye! 

(Daria now approaches the ball and hits it with her stick. It goes sailing into the air. Daria's looking at how it will go. Suddenly, the ball is knocked out of the way by the Havenhurst goalie, who now drops to her knees in exultation, with her teammates mobbing around her. Cut to Daria.) 

Daria: (As loud as she can.) DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!! (She begins to walk away, as Kemmy comes up to her.) 

Kemmy: Daria, are you OK? 

Daria: No, I'm not! (We can see that she's beginning to cry a bit, the emotion drained out of her. She runs off the field.) 

(Cut to outside the field, as Daria sits on the curb, drying her eyes. Jake, Helen, Quinn, Molly, Raye, Jane, Trent, Tom and Donahue now approach her.) 

Jake: Kiddo, no matter what happened out there, we're very proud of you. 

Helen: For once, Daria, I agree with your father. The team came so close. 

Quinn: Of course, now the Fashion Club's going to have to stop wearing these skirts; we don't associate with a losing cause. 

Daria: Why should I care? 

Trent: (Hoping that somehow it will make Daria feel better.) Daria, you were excellent out there. I've never felt as proud of anyone as I am about you today. (He kisses Daria on the cheek.) 

Daria: Thanks, Trent, that made me feel better. (She gets up and hugs Trent.) 

Tom: Hey, they're going to have the award banquet tonight at seven at the Montcalm. Why don't we go there? 

Jane: As long as they have pizza, I'm game. (Smirks evilly.) 

Helen: Actually, Jane, it's a formal restaurant. You'll have to wear something nice. 

Jane: Trent, did I remember to pack that prom dress that I swore I was never going to wear in the trunk? 

Trent: You did, Janey. 

Daria: You keep a prom dress in your trunk? 

Jane: Always be prepared--or give some semblance that you are, that's my motto. (Smirks evilly.) 

(Cut to Li and Brewster.) 

Brewster: I believe you owe me a dinner at Chez Pierre, Angela. 

(Li grumbles to herself.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 9: The Montcalm Restaurant, Main Street, Havenhurst, 7:15 PM Saturday. 

================================================================ 

(The award banquet is happening. The state high school athletic commissioner, an old man with white hair and beard, is in a tuxedo. Jake is also in a tuxedo while Helen and Quinn are in their formalwear as well. Daria's in an emerald green floor-length gown while Jane jane wears a red floor-length gown. Tom is in a blue three-piece suit while Molly's wearing a simple black dress. Trent is wearing a brown three-piece business suit. Raye is wearing a chartreuse ballroom gown. Tom's wearing a tuxedo as well. Raye turns to speak to Daria.) 

Raye: Thinking of joining the team next year, Daria? 

Daria: I don't know. I don't think I want to put up with the long practices and the sacrifices again. 

Raye: Daria, you're a shoo-in to become captain of the team if you return. Think about it! 

(Li--who's in a sky-blue gown--turns to Brewster, who's in a tuxedo.) 

Li: Next year, it'll be Lawndale getting this award. (Pointing to the trophy to be given to the winning team.) 

Brewster: Perhaps, Angela, perhaps. 

(The commissioner raps a glass with a fork to get everyone's attention.) 

Commissioner: OK, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for. The presentation of the State Class A Field Hockey Championship Trophy to the winning team--the Havenhurst Lady Patriots! 

(Sudden cut to the front doors, which are suddenly opened. Brittany storms into the room, and points to Marilyn, followed by the detective and the girl who decided to turn in evidence.) 

Brittany: Jacuzzi! 

Daria: Brittany, that's "J'accuse!" 

Commissioner: What is the meaning of this? 

Detective: Mr. Commissioner, I have irrefutable proof that Havenhurst has been using steroids. 

Commissioner: That's what they always say! Give me proof! 

Detective: Here you go! (He opens a bag full of empty containers and dumps them on the table in front of the commissioner.) If that isn't enough, I have a positive drug test from this lady here (pointing to the Havenhurst stoolie.) as well as some paperwork with Selma Feirstein's signature on it. 

(Firestein, who's wearing a purple gown, is shocked.) 

Detective: This lady can also give you rather damning testimony about Feirstein's buying the drugs and falsifying the vouchers sent to the Board of Education as "weightlifting equipment". 

Brewster: (To Firestein.) You're fired, Feirstein! 

Feirstein: You can't fire me! I quit! (She storms out of the room.) 

Commissioner: In light of this new evidence, I hereby disqualify Havenhurst as the champions and give the trophy to the Lawndale Lions! (Motions to Daria.) Here, young lady, take the trophy. 

(Daria goes up to the table and takes the trophy.) 

Daria: Thank you, Mr. Commissioner, but there's someone here who deserves this trophy a lot more than I do. Raye, come up here. 

(A genuinely shocked Raye goes up to the table and takes the trophy from Daria.) 

Raye: Thanks, Daria. Distinguished guests, we've been laboring for four long years to make it to where we are today. We did it fairly and honestly. Any team that decides to use drugs to give them an edge is dishonorable. I think the state high school athletic commission should investigate further into Havenhurst's teams and find out the truth. Thank you. 

(Cut to Li and Brewster.) 

Li: Armand, I think you owe me a dinner here. 

(Brewster decides to cut his losses and runs. Cut to Daria, Raye and Jane, who all smirk.) 

================================================================ 

Scene 10: The hallway at Lawndale High, 10:30 AM Monday. 

================================================================ 

(We see Daria and Jane--now in their regular clothes--going down the hallway. Raye, who's in a chartreuse blouse and jeans, joins them.) 

Raye: Daria, I just want to thank you for giving me the championship trophy there the other day. 

Daria: You deserved it, Raye. It was what you were fighting for. 

Jane: So, I guess this will be the end of your field hockey career, Daria? 

Daria: Heck, when I'm upstaged by a drug investigation, it's time to hang up the stick. 

Jane: Say, who encouraged Brittany to snoop around with that detective and dig up the dirt on Havenhurst anyway? 

Daria: I'm not saying a word. (Smirks that Mona Lisa grin.) 

Raye: Havenhurst is in complete turmoil. The state athletic commission's promising a thorough investigation into their program. 

Daria: Serves them right. 

(Daria goes to her locker and gets out her field hockey stick.) 

Jane: Hey, weren't you going to turn that in today? 

Daria: Yes, but first, I want to take care of some business. 

(Collette shows up.) 

Collette: Say, Daria, if it wasn't for the drug scandal, everyone would be hating your guts about blowing the championship! Have a nice day! 

(She goes.) 

Daria: One of these days, I'm going to make her eat her words. 

(Upchuck now approaches.) 

Upchuck: Ah, Daria! I wouldn't mind going out with the acting captain of the State Class A Champion field hockey team! 

Daria: Now I know what unfinished business I was going to do. (She whacks the stick into Upchuck's testicles, sending him howling. Daria, Jane and Raye all smirk.) 

Jane: Thank God some things don't change, Daria. 

Daria: Yeah, Jane, thank God. 

("Rock and Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter can be heard playing as we cut to the alter egos. The alter egos include: Brittany as Seven of Nine from "Star Trek: Voyager"; Ms. Li as Washu from "Tenchi Muyo!"; Quinn as Wilma Flintstone; Daria as Godzilla; Mr. DeMartino as Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star"; Jane as Josephine the Plumber from those old Comet cleanser commercials; Jake as Captain Kirk from the original "Star Trek"; Mr. O'Neill as Hamlet holding a skull; Eric Schreter as Howard from "Hill Street Blues"; and Trent as Ed Norton from "The Honeymooners". The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drum roll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear the kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the music ABC used in their coverage of the Olympics during the 1970's, begins to play, as we see a special graphic saying: "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION--THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" with the 2000 Summer Olympics logo below that. Cut to a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN--THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH SHIPPER OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" below it. Fade to black.) ================================================================ 

ENDNOTES 

================================================================ 

(1) Jake and Helen decided to take in Molly in "Booted!"--Recap Peter. 

(2) This will be explained in retrospect in my next story "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge".--Speed Racer Peter. 

(3) Jane and Ms. Morris made that bet in "Marathon Woman". --Summarizing Peter. 

(4) Daria met Mr. Baldwin in C. E. Forman's "A Morgendorffer Scorned". --Peter Chips. 

(5) I don't know if this applies to your state or not, but in New York State, for athletic purposes, schools are divided into four classes according to student population; Class A is for the biggest schools, then there's Class B, Class C, and, finally, Class D for the smallest schools. These classifications apply to all schools, regardless of whether they're public, private or parochial, and whether they're in New York City, Long Island or Upstate. If your state differs, let me know at markzero@zdnetmail.com.--Peter Guerin's Calvacade of Sports (here play the old Gillette "Look Sharp" jingle). 

(6) Jane's middle name was revealed in "Return of the Lawndale Militia". --Name-Dropping Peter. 

(7) That's my tip of the hat to Jon Kilner. In his story "Jane", an elderly Daria and Trent do just that after Jane dies. --Your Funeral Director, Peter Guerin. 

(8) OK, OK, I know that in the series Jane has called Helen "Mrs. Morgendorffer" when she speaks to her but calls her Helen when she's talking to Daria about her, but since I had Helen tell Jane that it was all right to call her by her name in "Sick, Sad Burbank", I am sticking to the way things are in my Daria-verse, kind of like how Michelle Klein-Häss decided not to change how she perceived Jane and Trent's parents in her "Lawndale, CT Continuum" despite evidence to the contrary in the episode "Lane Miserables". So, if you don't like it, sue me! :-P --Peter ("That's my story, and I'm sticking to it") Guerin. 

(9) Since no one's bothered to give Jane's boyfriend from "Jane's Addition" a last name, I've taken the liberty of doing so myself. --Name-Dropping Peter. 

(10) It was revealed that Jesse's father ran a auto repair garage in "Outbitched".--Peter Goodwrench. 

(11) The truth came out in "The Dinner Date from Hell". --Galloping Gourmet Peter. 

(12) That happened in Outbitched.--Peter Cobb ("Take me out to Doc's fan fic. . .", to quote Martin J. Pollard :-) ). 

(13) Those are all references to C. E. Forman's stories "Rain on Your Parade", "Quinntet", "Taking Debate" and "No Picnic", respectively. --P. W. Guerin. 

(14) Daria found out about her late sister Kristin in "Outbitched". --Recap Peter. 

(15) Sandi joined the track team in "Booted!"--Summarizing Peter. 

(16) That happened in "Marathon Woman".--Peter Hoffman. 

(17) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Taking Debate".--Peter Utley. 

(18) That's my tip of the hat to the South Glens Falls [NY] lacrosse team, which used that song as their anthem a few years back and almost won the New York State Class B Championship.--Bulldog Peter. 

(19) That's another tip of the hat to The Unknown; in one of her stories, Jane has such a stuffed animal.--Missing-In-Action Peter. 

(20) That's a tip of the hat to the real Montcalm Restaurant in Queensbury, New York. My folks are always hounding me to take them there all the time (but with what I make, that's a fat chance). --Cheap Bastard Peter (that's what my stepfather's always calling me). 

================================================================ 

THE END 

================================================================ 

THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! 

================================================================ 

"Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" 

================================================================ 

"The Official Fan Fiction Company of the 2000 Summer Olympics" ================================================================ 

Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.crosswinds.net/~peterguerin 

================================================================ 

E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com AOL Instant Messenger: petergerin ICQ: 48647033 ================================================================ 

Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com 

================================================================ 

CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! 

================================================================ 


End file.
